Ryan Long does bit on absurd dangers of NYC: Mom ‘so scared she doesn’t even want me to be a criminal’

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Imagine, if you will, being an incarcerated petty criminal so horrified by the crime in New York City, where death is practically promised at every corner’s turn, that you’d rather remain in prison than be released there and risk being murdered.

Does it sound implausible? If so, that’s probably because it’s in fact the premise to non-establishment comedian Ryan Long’s latest sketch.

But what makes it funny, fans say, is how perfectly it mocks the absurd rates of crime that have been pummeling NYC in recent days, weeks, months and years.

Watch the full sketch below:

The sketch shows an inmate fretting over his upcoming release date.

“Tomorrow I’m getting out on parole, and I found out they’re trying to make me do it in New York, which is gonna be a huge no for me. The city’s too dangerous. You know, I’m like a normal petty criminal. I sell drugs sometimes, steal scrap metal and they’re trying to send me to this place where everyone’s killing each other!?” he says.

Get it? The data shows that prison itself is extremely dangerous.

“The number of homicides in state prisons reached a record high of 120 deaths in 2018, a reminder that while prisons are secure, they are largely unsafe,” according to the Prison Policy Initiative.

“Violence in prison is commonplace, tied to trauma prior to incarceration as well as mental health stressors inside. The rate of homicide in state prison is 2.5 times greater than in the U.S. population when adjusted for age, sex, and race/ethnicity.”

Yet in Long’s sketch, being free in NYC is even more dangerous.

The inmate continues his rant by referencing the recent Brooklyn subway mass-shooting suspect and his smoke grenades.

“We used to be able to make an honest living as a criminal without having our lives in danger. Some dude’s on the subway using smoke bombs like he’s the Riddler. Unless the city finds a Batman, I’ll be much safer here,” he says.

Hilariously enough, the inmate then bemoans the “Defund the Police” movement and the “poo black faces” it’s inadvertently engendered.

“Felony assaults are up, grand larceny, burglaries. The cops basically stopped doing their job altogether because people don’t like them anymore. And by the way, I’m not some pro-cop guy, as you can imagine, but I should be able to deal some drugs without being murdered,” he says.

People in the subway are getting feces smeared on them, getting poo black faces. My worst enemy wouldn’t do that to me here. What is this!? No, I was as excited as the next guy when they started getting rid of cops, but these violent idiots are taking advantage of it.”

“You know, at least in prison there’s rules. You know which guys not to say the wrong thing do, what not to do. New York is just arbitrary. There’s no predicting it. Serious crime’s up nearly 14. Yeah, apparently the mayor’s trying to use drones to stop all the crime now. It’s like, yeah, no thank you. I’ll be very fine here,” he continues.

Believe it or not, but this part is based on a real story:

The inmate then talks about how his mom, a longtime criminal herself, is so frightened by the crime wave that she’s giving up crime and encouraging him to follow suit.

“My mom’s been calling me off the hook. She’s so scared she doesn’t even want me to be a criminal anymore. I remember when I stole my first car stereo, and she was so friggin proud of me. My mom was actually one of New York’s first prostitutes, and now she’s getting out of the game because it’s too dangerous for her at 75, so close to retirement too,” he explains.

He continues by comparing prison life to New York City life.

“Yeah, I’ve gotten into a couple scuffles here and there in jail just because I smell bad, I don’t shower — because that’s how you keep the guys that want to bone you away — but I still don’t smell nearly as bad as New York subways,” he says.

“Piss everywhere. And the rats, you know, jail rats get roughed up. In New York, the rats are the size of humans, and they basically run the show. All these stores like Duane Reade put new security in to protect against thieves like me, but murderers can get away with whatever they want.”

The inmate concludes his hilarious rant by again reiterating that he’d rather remain behind bars than risk life in the big city.

“I guess my plan is to punch one of the guards so I can stay here or something. I don’t know. We have to do some violence to avoid violence. Ain’t that something? It’s like the 1990s that Brooklyn rappers talk about. Yeah, I don’t want to live in the Brooklyn the rappers talk about, OK!” he says.

“I’m crazy? Old ladies are getting punched in the head, needles are everywhere heaven forbid I need to sit down a second! Guys, I appreciate the offer to let me out on parole, but I am quite fine here, OK. I’m gonna finish my time here where I’m safe and move to a normal city!”

Hear, hear!


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