Op-ed views and opinions expressed are solely those of the author.

In 1989 Jeff Foxworthy produced a hilarious best-selling book titled  “You might be a redneck if…” that was an instant sensation and today is in its 30th printing with more than one million copies sold. 

Foxworthy has since produced a number of other successful “You might be a Redneck…” books and spinoffs such as “The Redneck Dictionary” with new twists, angles, and updates. 

The book’s premise is based on the comical antics of a subculture of loveable Americans whose lifestyle is considered “country” but who live their lives in contented bliss, unaffected and uncaring about the opinions of others and the society around them. Their habitat is the South, Southwest, and Midwest U.S. They’re the 21st Century’s answer to Ma and Pa Kettle…. hard-working, funny, passionately patriotic, country-smart, self-sufficient, Christian, family-oriented, and likable. 

Rednecks are not a group that aims to intentionally harm others or convert them to their lifestyle or way of thinking. They’re folks you’d enjoy having a beer with while fishing from a riverbank and listening to Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson on the radio. In a barroom fight, you’d want them at your side. 

Following are a few examples from Foxworthy’s original “You might be a Redneck If…

• your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
• your wife’s hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• your grandmother keeps a spit jar on the ironing board.
• you’ve been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
• you ever waved at traffic from your front porch wearing just your underwear.

A similar book could easily be written about another group of  U.S. residents, albeit an assembly of folks that are not the least bit likeable, much less lovable, or laughable other than in their outrageousness. These folks are downright toxic and vehemently anti-American. They’re found mostly in the far West and Northeastern U.S. and crammed into Washington, D.C. They’re Democrats. 

Joe Biden, the noxious Pa Kettle in the White House is not the least bit affable, honest, or humorous. He’s a cognitively impaired Ebenezer Scrooge without any prospect of redemption or salvation. His Tiny Tim is a drug-addled son, Hunter, who would whack you with his crack pipe and steal your wallet.

A redneck pal once told me: “Getting a Democrat to do something good for America is like trying to poke a cat out from under the porch with a rope.”

To paraphrase Foxworthy’s theme “You might be a Democrat if….. “

• you believe that the Biden family is not totally corrupt, and that Joe Biden is not the most corrupt president in history. 
• you believe that Joe Biden is actually making decisions and formulating policy and not a White House clique of former Obama staffers and D.C. swamp bureaucrats.
• you believe the Chinese gave Hunter Biden diamonds because they like the guy, not because diamonds don’t show up in wire transfers or bank records. 
• you can name a single product or service, other than the “Big guy” that the Biden family provided to its clients in Russia, Kazakhstan, Ukraine, China, and Romania. 
• you watch and believe MSNBC as they rescript the claim that Hunter’s laptop is Russian misinformation following the accusation that an FBI source really is a Russian spy. 
• you read the Washington Post and New York Times and listen to National Public Radio, etc. and believe there are any ethics left in journalism. 
• you think that Biden defying the Supreme Court and continuing to forgive loans for college graduates and transferring their debt to folks who never attended college is fair. 
• you believe it’s OK for illegals to just walk into the country with no ID get on a government-funded bus or plane to wherever they wish, and receive “walking around money,” free housing and a phone, while Americans have to go through customs and border patrol and show a passport when they return home from abroad.
• you think men can be women, women can be men and that there are more than two sexes.
• you think it’s OK for men to compete on sports teams against women and dress and shower in women’s locker rooms. 
• you believe all the state and federal prosecutions filed against Donald Trump by Georgia and New York district attorneys during this 2024 election year are not politically motivated.
• you wear a keffiyeh, burn Israeli flags, chant “Palestine will be free from the river to the sea” and beat, harass and threaten Jewish students on U.S. college campuses. 
• you defend the slaughter of 1,200 Israelis while celebrating the Hamas butchers who committed the worst atrocity since the Holocaust. 
• you burn down businesses, block traffic, threaten, beat, and kill bystanders in the name of racial equality and go unpunished.
• you demonstrate for Black Lives Matter, a violent racist group that collects millions for what it says is “racial equality,” then spends it on its founders’ lavish lifestyles including mansions.
• you think it’s a good idea to defund the police and that local prosecutors and judges should no longer punish looters, thieves, carjackers, muggers, rioters, shoplifters, etc. 
• you believe that a male admiral in a dress, demanding troops follow insipid pronoun protocol, “green” environmental standards, and a Secretary of Defense nobody can locate, produces a strong military deterrent instead of ridicule and laughter. 
• you believe zero-emission vehicles run on electricity instead of a variety of fossil fuels including coal that actually generate the electricity. 
• you promote killing full-term babies minutes after birth then protest and litigate against pro-life groups.
• you think it’s legitimate for the FBI to investigate parental groups protesting their school boards’ decisions to provide age-inappropriate sexual-oriented books and curricula to their  children. 
• you believe teachers’ unions benefit students. 
• you believe that closing churches, parks, beaches, and schools during the covid pandemic while keeping casinos and bars open and firing employees who refused to be vaccinated was acceptable. 
• you believe that Ivy League schools with endowments (for example, Harvard $50.7 billion and Yale $40.7 billion) that exceed the market value of most publicly traded corporations shouldn’t have to pay taxes and can continue to offer pricey worthless degrees with little to no return on investment.

There are many, many more but space limitations prevent listing them all.

Summing up, Democrats believe that George Orwell’s novel ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ is an instruction manual, that the founding fathers were racists, and ignore that their party was built on a history of supporting such contemptible causes as slavery, Jim Crow, the Ku Klux Klan, and eugenics. 

Conservatives prefer small government, individualism, low taxes, a strong military, and tough-on-crime programs. Democrats want a massive national government made up of endless bureaucracies controlling all aspects of American lives and letting criminals roam the streets and illegals pour across the border.

Conservative Americans who publicly advocate their beliefs are called outrageous by Democrats. Those who are not aren’t being outrageous enough.

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Dave Scott

Dave Scott spent several years as a daily newspaper reporter in Florida and New York before joining the corporate world and heading up communications activities for IBM, ITT and other Fortune 50 companies in the U.S. and Europe, eventually running his own Atlanta agency. He lives on Amelia Island, FL, and blogs at www.davescottblog.com. He also writes, edits, and publishes the annual Amelia Island News-www.amelianewswrecker.com, a newspaper parody with the tag line "Amelia Island's sacred cows make the best burgers."

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