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Millennials are taking to having ‘plant babies’… and hiring consultants to help care for them

February 26, 2019 | | Print Article
(FILE PHOTO video screenshot)

The same generation of Americans who are in love with socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders — a man so lazy he was booted from a hippy commune in 1971 for “sitting around and talking” versus working — is, it would appear, too lazy to take care of its own plants, let alone grow and tend to a normal garden.

And so the generation most known for eating Tide Pods and snorting condoms has taken to hiring other, less-lazy millennials to create and tend to their houseplant “gardens.”

“Many millennials, members of the generation born between 1980 and roughly 2000 who have a reputation for being commitment-averse, are opting to raise houseplants,” the New York Post reported last week. “Critics have gone as far as to say they’re forgoing traditional milestones like marriage and children to curate photogenic green spaces in their homes.”

So instead of getting married, buying a home and growing a real garden, these veritable teeny-boppers are purchasing “low-maintenance, Instagram-ready plants”  that look great on social media.

Remember, nothing says you’re a good liberal like a virtue-signaling social media post. And yes, according to polling data, most millennials appear to be rabid liberals who love socialism.

“We are the Tamagotchi generation,” Eliza Blank, a 33-year-old who’s profiting from her peers’ laziness by providing home deliveries of prepared plants, said of her generation. “It’s something cute to take care of that’s kind of low-risk.”

The Tamagotchi was a digital pet — yes, a digital pet — that was popular among millennials when they were kids and young adults back in the late 1990s and early 2000s.

Why deal with feeding and cleaning up after a pet when you can just push a button?

“People are buying plants now because it fills a void in their lives,” Blank said. “We aren’t here just to transact with our customers. We’re here to teach them, to educate them, to create a relationship with them — to give them the tools they need to have a relationship with their plants to fill whatever that void might be.”

Indeed, because relationships with other human beings is, like, soooo last century.

So just how lazy and detached have millennials become? So much so that Nick Cutsumpas, who describes himself as a “plant daddy,” is often asked to “go buy the plants for” his clients, he said.

*facepalm*

“I’ve always wanted to have a lot of plants. It just always felt so cumbersome to go out and do it. I would go to the Flower District and feel so overwhelmed,” one of his clients said.

And so she paid her “plant daddy” about $500 to buy and install a bevy of houseplants in her apartment. In her defense, she at least takes care of her own plants, albeit with with the help of her “plant daddy.”

“She texts pictures of her ailing plants, like the brown spots on her fiddle-leaf fig, to Cutsumpas when she needs advice, which he dispenses at no extra charge,” the Post noted.

And the “plant daddy” doesn’t mind any of it, as he believes he’s helping his clients take a “traditional step” toward bigger commitments.

HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING …

“You’re showing yourself, your friends and your family, ‘Hey, I’m taking this slow. I’m not ready to settle down and start having a kid at age 26,'” he said.

It’s unclear how paying someone else to buy and install a plant for you helps prepare you to get married, buy a home, have children and rear them properly.

In fact, according to Blank, many of her customers invest in “plant babies,” as they call their plants, specifically because they don’t want to ever have children.

“It’s in lieu of actual babies. It’s like, ‘Oh my god, I could never have an actual baby, but I can have a plant, and that could be my baby,'” she explained.

Like, OK …

You can just imagine the sometimes funny and sometimes angry ways in which the adults on social media have been responding to the Post’s story:

Actually, it’s probably the plants that are doomed.

“I can kill anything,” Cutsumpas’s client said, explaining why she decided to outsource her “gardening.”

HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING …

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Vivek Saxena
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